Words Of Wisdom
A Castle Is Not Built In A Day (Especially By Children With A Rubber Hammer) I would love to eventually have this section updated with Fraggers' all time best quotes, as well as "monthly gems". For that to happen, dear visitor, please do submit phrases most memorable from The Fragnostic and we can maybe work out a way to pick the best. Until then, and until we can refine this section into an experience we can enjoy together, please consider having a chuckle at the (damn, this must've taken a lot of work...) extensive list of quotes compiled by our fellow paladin, ClownWhosFeelnDown. Here you can check out the rest of the quotes he considers worthy of attention, from all around the world: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4467542/ClownWhosFeelnDown The ACTUAL Words Of Wisodm # "For fucks sake, who comes to the moon and brings five minutes worth of oxygen? You just find yourself losing all sympathy for people in these bloody horror games. You don't help yourself at all, do you?" -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "There's me O2 meter. Problem reminding me that I need to breathe oxygen in order to stay alive. I need all the reminding I can get, apparently. Should have a big red light flashing on the inside of me helmet saying 'Don't take this off, dipshit.' But me nose itches. 'Don't you fucking do it!'" -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "'It looks like a kitchen.' But is it? Have they actually just redecorated the toilet to fuck with your head? The mysteries of space." -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "'A fact that no one should know' Like how David Lane levitates? Come on, leave him alone. That's all he's got, don't ruin it for him. He'll have to get a proper job. Do you want to be served by him in McDonald's? I bet he'd take fucking ages." -The Fragnostic; Houston, We Have a Problem # "She sounds pleasant. Past tense though. Always the way, eh fellas?" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "What? Haha, the one button in this game flips you off when it's idle! Or exerts my will, according to this. I have instantly warmed to this game. Because that's really my entire attitude towards life. Hey door! Eat a fucking dick! Fuck you, ghost!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Fuck everything that isn't me." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "'The Darkness speaks. You must listen!' Listen to this, dipshit! 'Flips off' "Fucking no! Telling me how to live my life. You're not me dad. Or even from me dad! You're not eight pages long, smell of whiskey. Shut up jug!" 'Flips off' "Don't need a job! Me and me band are going places, you'll see!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # 'Flips off' "How's this? This is what I think of you and yours pall!" 'Skeleton disappears' "Ok, that's how you defeat enemies to! Is this a great game? Well, it's getting there." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Oh, Christ alive! We're back here again! The architect of this place needs shooting." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Fuck off! You need to fuck off immediately! They've ganged up against me derogatory gestures!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Aha, bye-bye fuckers!" 'Requires key' "Oh, come on!" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Oh, not you two again! Get fucked! Their just smarming around here like an anti-bullying council. 'We heard you've been making obscene gestures to the skeletons in the dungeon. We'd like to discuss your behavior in a calm, neutral environment.' Must. Flip. Harder. Than. Ever. Before!" 'Skeletons disappear' "Yes! Haha, it worked! The age of the bully endures! Where's the loos in this place? I'm going the give the next dead shite bag I see a fucking swirly." -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "You should have told more ghosts to go fuck themselves, love. See, they don't teach you this shit in school, do they?" -The Fragnostic; The Night that Speaks # "Me lamp's gone out, but my arm's still illuminated there, which means I'm just sort of casually on fire." -The Fragnostic; Overcast: Walden and the Werewolf # "Alright, what can we use? A wine bottle. Yeah, this seems pretty hopeless, let's just get spannered instead. Oh, it's empty. Fuck sake! I give up, I'll talk! The family's loaded, they'll pay you what you like. Got a hand-vac and everything. Oh, hold the phone. Screwdriver! There we go! Ya get nothing pal! I'm off." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "'Sabastion threw the eggs on the floor.' Kidnap me? I'll trash your fucking house, mate. 'Sabastion picked up the apple juice.' There we go! Stick that on the shopping list, you prick. What's this? Well now you need more of it!" -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "'Sabastion realized that what he initially believed to be a towering man may have been a coat stand or bookshelf. He felt foolish. And damp down one leg.'" -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "Whoa, ok! There's the towering man. Sneaking up behind me. Naked. Ok." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "I guess this is where Half-Wit Henry sleeps off his long days of sexually assaulting the furniture." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "Listen you cunt, I could melt your face off just by fucking squinting at it, you understand that? If you tell me to be anywhere in 6 and 3 quarters of a second again and it isn't because Magneto folded your wheel chair up and stuck it up your arse, I'm going to come in here and turn your bollocks into a pair of roman candles." -The Fragnostic; Kidnapped # "How dare you soil my woods with your filthy peasant's blood?!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Come back here, primitive!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "I want some Goddamn answers, you understand me? I found this fork on a man that I shot to death. WHAT WAS HE PLANNING ON EATING WITH IT?! Answer, devil! A tree tried to poison me not far from here. WHO WAS IT WORKING FOR?!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "You're gonna answer for that, Goddammit! You're gonna tell me the 'why's' and the 'what the fucks' of that." -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "That one just ripped off his dick and threw it at me face!" -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Ladies! Prepare to have your knickers moistened." -The Fragnostic; Betrayer # "Dear God, it's begun. The sea is taking- nay SEAsing, the kingdoms of man! And here! More spies! Back in the ocean with thee, interloper. Tell your abyssal Jehovah that one stands against him! That never shall fin nor tentacle, nor flipper nor flapper, ever be raised to the rosy cheek of man without vengeful recompense. Get thee back into the tempest, and the night's plutonian shore! Leave no foul milt as a token of the lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! Quit the box upon my shore! Take thy fin from out my heart, and take thy form from off my shore! Quoth the sea fish, Nevermore." -The Fragnostic; Lumber Island # "I will choose English. Because I took a year of Russian in school, and to this day, if I see it in written form, I begin to weep uncontrollably." -The Fragnostic; ColDream # "Stairs were, of course, invented in 1933 by John Stairs, who suffered from a unique form of insomnia, by which he believed that the moon was hurling racist abuse at him while he slept. Although his ingenious but flawed method of assassinating out only natural satellite ended in paraplegic tragedy from 13 feet above the roof of his Chicago apartment, his work has replaced mankind's reliance on impractical trampolines in places as diverse as houses, hospitals, Dracula's castle, and of course, this very game. So, here's to you, John Stairs. I can't give you back the money that Bob Elevator took from your estate, but I can forget to brake if I see him in the street." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "I'll let you in on a secret. I don't really like horror games." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "Easy now, Tormented Ones." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "It's not that I haven't enjoyed my time in Nightmare Safari, it's just that, I'm not really up for the rashes that come with wearing shit caked underwear for prolonged periods." -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "They should have a lift or something in here, shouldn't they? I know it's probably purgatory or whatever, but- oh, here we are. Ask and you shall receive! Very nice. It's gonna come with a twist, isn't it? Like when you wish on the monkey's paw. You say, 'I wish for an end to world poverty.' And everybody starts eating each other. Or you say, 'I wish I had an Xbox.' And you get one. But then your dad explodes in the living room. It's like that saying, 'If it seems too good to be true... smack it with a hammer and chuck it in the sea.'" -The Fragnostic; Stairs # "One of the most beautiful sights in nature. A blue whale, gracefully reaching the end of its time on earth. And activating its nuclear self-destruct mechanism. So worth the radiation burns, and a colorful range of new tumors." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Oh, the radiation sickness won't let me run to far. Maybe if I stress it out hard enough I'll get some fucking superpowers out of it! Come on, flying ability upgrade! Oh, no, I just feel sick." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "'That red anomaly did something to me.' Damn you, red anomaly! Give me back my wife! She's no good to you. She can't cook or clean or nothing. I married her for her intense face." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Geiger counter's acting up. This, random Geiger counter. Oh no, it's reacting to me! It's only a matter of time before I grow another foot on me ass or something. Let me in! I need to piss without the glow of it giving away my position." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ah, the rock is coated in a deadly venom! Why are there literally no benevolent features to this awful place?!" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Oh fuck, a dog. It's a dog! Good boy, a friendly pup. I'm just saving, in case your rabid. There we are, good dog. Sit. Si-"'This door is door locked' "Oh dear God. What about these bricks? Wanna play catch, boy? I don't even think he's dangerous. Animals love me. Watch this. Good dog! Good Lassy. Shake hands- Ah, you vicious beast, you four-legged fuck! Bad dog! Oh, I'm stuck, help, it's gonna kill me! Ho- HA! Hahahaha! You stupid hairy dickhead. I've lured you from you guard post! And all it cost me was most of my arm and groin." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ladders! Natures skeleton key. Time for a home invasion. Purge, purge, purg-" 'falls of' "What the fuck? As soon as you go up you stagger of the side of the bastard. Come on. Slow and steady robs the house. 'gets stuck on window' Come on! Get in the bloody house! What the fuck is your problem, you irradiated dickhead! Climb the pissing ladder, and step through- Oh, my fucking God, this is a problem. Get up! Jesus Christ. Put your useless broken flashlight away, and use both your hands to-" 'gets through window' "Thank fucking lord! What a calamity." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "What goblin fearing social rapist lives here, I wonder. Wonder no more!" 'opens door, ghost appears' "What? Oh God, shit." 'dies' -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Sofas! Long standing victims of sexual abuse from the desperately lonely. But what happens when the sofas- rape back?!" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "'Looks like red anomaly gives some people extraordinary abilities. My calculations show that the source of anomaly is located deep underwater.' Well, where are mine? I requested flight, as I recall, not having an Ouija board stuck up my ass that summons every angry ghost from here to Bollock Mountain." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "God, I hate dogs. I hate animals! All of 'em! We need another flood. Except this time only me, my family, and my subscribers are allowed on the ark. Then we'll see who the most popular Youtuber is." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "These go on forever, these bloody caves. What's even the point of caves? We haven't needed them for millions of years. Let's just blow 'em up. Then cavers will need to find something else to bore us to death about on Monday morning. 'You'll never guess what God forsaken armpit of the earth I went down this weekend.' 'You're right, I won't. Because I don't care to.' 'I'll just tell you quick. We-we just edged past this brutal boulder choke, deep in the Dark Zone-' 'Shut up Josh! Just shut your mouth! Nobody gives two shits about how many stalagmites you spent your Saturday afternoon humping. Just shut the fuck up, cut your hair, and do some Goddamn work, you weirdo. And I'm not coming to see your band! Not ever! I fucking hate Scar, I fucking hate you, and the sooner your rope snaps while you're pissing your knickers over a room made of rocks, the better.' Now, unfortunately, Josh was my manager, so I was homeless for a bit after that." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Don't run, little girl. I'll help you. You put in a good word with God for me, eh? I've done some shit that's, uh, not in the Bible. Oh, oh! A bear trap! You tricky little bitch. You better hope I don't find your skeleton, little girl. You don't know the meaning of the term 'improper burial.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Look, they're all over there. Having a bloody mother's meeting. 'H-How do you like to scare the shit out of people? Because, I like the idea of charging into them, but, that kills you, and, who knows whats after this? I mean, this is a definite down-grade to being alive, isn't it? This-this is shit. What's the next world going to be like?' 'I charged a horse once.' 'No you didn't, Frank.' 'Yes I did, I charged right at his face! He ran off and caused a traffic accident that killed two hundred people.' 'It was one hundred and fifty last week.' 'Two hundred people! And one of them was Ronny Craig. And you said 'Fair play, Frank', and bought me a drink and shagged a barmaid. Two! Two barmaids, twice. Each.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Ah, thank God, civilization! Give me your soul, cunt! I mean, uh, hi. Can you-" 'Woman runs away' "Ahh, dammit. I just can't talk to women. Please come back! I'm sorry I was weird. Woman! Come out! What do women want? Babies and shit? You want a baby?! I'm fertile as fuck. I know a good cave. It's only got one body in it." -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # 'I've received a new message' "Oh, no, sorry, I can't answer you right this second, I'm contracting cancer in a fucking toxic waste dump. BRB. 'She is waiting for you at a pier.' Oh, come on, you can't tell me which one? What plan are you on, Neverworld Pay As You Go?" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Oh, there she is. I see her. You better not have fucked her up! I'm not dealing with 3am sobbing fits and 'Oh, do you mind if we just cuddle tonight, all I can hear is the screaming of the dead.'" -The Fragnostic; Shadows Peak # "Your prototype has a terrible problem! Whenever it encounters an error it summons a dead bitch with face lurgy to kill you!" -The Fragnostic; Sophie's Curse # "Ah, here we go. Hell! In all it's maleficent glory! I have to say, I envisioned the gates to Hell being slightly more foreboding. I need a key?!" -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "Hold me closer, tiny hell gate." 'Opens gates' "I'm not even gonna shut it. What are you going to do, send me to Hell?" -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "I'm not walking for dramatic effect, by the way. It's taken away me sprint option." -The Fragnostic; Inside: Before Birth # "Some swings! Can I play on them? No! Probably for the best. Feels like I'm about to keel over from the excitement of a light jog, here. Pulling of my trademark 720 loop with double-tuck, back flip dismount might pop my fucking heart open like Mickey Rourke in 'The Wrestler'. Well, I call it my trademark. The doctors had another, much more depressing name for it. Now I get weekly steroid injections into my spine, that make me SO BLOODY ANGRY that I can't take a piss without wanting to rip my dick off and beat someone to death with it! So, you know. I guess the lesson here is: Doctors ruin dreams." -The Fragnostic; Absence # "Fuck yeah, we're using the plasma cannon. We're using it twice. One for each nut. Taste divine cleansing, you grey faced commoners! Whaaat! How does that even begin to miss?! Goddammit! This time." -The Fragnostic; Dead Trailz # "Signal Grenades. 'The main street is overrun. Guide them to a different route.' Buy some of these, then. What about common sense, can you buy them any of that?" 'Throws signal' "Alright, there we are. This way, lemmings. Or just fucking ignore me! That's cool too. Christ alive! These people are to stupid to save. I've got to repopulate the earth with these imbeciles. We'll have a gene pool that looks like the aftermath of a Milk of Magnesia overdose." -The Fragnostic; Dead Trailz # "You can't even skip this poxy intro. And it's in elvish. And there's something terrifying about that field of catatonic cows. And I'm driving around on four flat tires. Now the games repeating the intro! Without speech! I'm not even joking here, what the fuck? What the actual fuck? I'm upside down. I'm upside fucking down! I can still move around, look, there's the ghost cat, there. But the game's spawned me doing the fucking crab. This- I've played some horrendous fucking messes in my time, but this is special. It takes talent to make something this bad." -The Fragnostic; Red Lake # "Anything goes here, apparently. That's not the sort of thing you want to tell the man who shot his way out of three maximum security prisons." -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Holy shit, what have I created? 'It sleeps twelve hours a day, can grow to nearly three meters in length, and chases it's prey down at 60km/h!' But it's missing something. Oh, I know! Handbag. I know tigers don't usually carry them, but it's part of her camouflage. 'Ma'am, we've noticed a 2000% increase in mutilated business men across this area. You wouldn't happen to be a half jungle cat, half women, serial killing prostitute would you?' 'No officer, look, I've got a handbag. Tigers don't have handbags.' 'I guess not ma'am. You have a good day.'" -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Oh-hoho, fuck yes. She's a marvel of cross-genetic engineering, isn't she? Look, she almost walks convincingly, too. It took several expensive surgeries to correct her tiger spine, but-" camera focuses on judges "'laughs' The black guy's like 'I ain't looking it in the eyes. It'll take my soul to tiger-lady hell!' 'Give back the jewels you stole from my temple, Outlander! Hiss.' I've got this thing in the bag, man. And by that, I mean if I'm not immediately eliminated for my crimes against nature, something is deeply wrong with the universe this game inhabits." -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Oh, you're kidding. You don't look sharp enough for sarcasm, so you're deadly fucking serious, aren't you. You people. You people appall me. Everything about the way you see the world is wrong! You have to understand that. Oh my god, he's dancing. Look what's behind me! I have insulted creation itself! Well, there you are. Three for three." -The Fragnostic; Mission Runway # "Now we're going to want to conserve as much ammo as possible on this first map, so we're going to let these idiots kill themselves." -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "My misses googled me a while ago to see how famous I was. The answer was not very, obviously, but somebody's made a list of all their favorite quotes of mine. That's amazing. Can't tell you what pride that gave me. There's tons of them on there. I tried to actually call them to ask about it, but I've saved it to my favorites. Check back there every now and again to see if they've added anything. Thanks, whoever did that. My ego is now swollen to the level of aroused megalodon." -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Alright, so, lets say you're a journalist, and you get an exclusive chance to go and cover hell. You know, like when the BBC get to tour around some Afghani war general's camp or whatever. So you get your camera crew together, which is difficult because Bob takes some convincing. He did some stuff back in the day that he's pretty convinced the devil's not going to let him back out for. So you email Satan at BigRedMachineBC@aol.com, and you make him promise not to drag Bob of to the Meadow of Flaying, with tea rooms of mutilation, and Satan says 'Yeah, yeah, whatevs.' But Bob's not buying it! He keeps saying, 'There's something about this guy I don't trust.' 'Oh, like what Bob' You say, 'Like he's the fucking devil? For fucks sake, go home. I'll take Ted instead.' So you, Ted and Berry, your sound guy, go on to the agreed place, at the agreed hour, then doth thou strip naked, and reciteth the black verses whilst chucking a sack of kittens into the fucking river, or whatever, and the soil bubbles and seethes, like boiling blood, and there, before you, gapes the entrance to hell itself. And there's an imp standing there with one of those name card things. So you, Ted and Berry get chauffeured down the river Styx in a luxury canal boat made from the bodies of anyone that died wearing a Coldplay t-shirt because, pussy's float better, for some reason. And besides all the wailing and cursing of the black name of Chris Marten, it's really not to bad at all, because, despite himself, Satan obviously wants some good press out of all this. So he's laid out biscuits, and some punch, and he's got a hell baron in a tuxedo on the deck singing Sinatra to keep you entertained. I mean, you think it's Sinatra, the only notes he can hit are the ones that make up his demonic battle cry. So 'New York, New York' sounds like three minute portmento of various cows falling down a well, but you appreciate the effort. And the imp tells you that Satan had originally booked hells hottest slapstick comedy duo, Cain and Abel, a pair of cyber demons, but they both gotten on the boat at the same time and it flipped up on its end like a horny dolphin, and dumped Abel into the drink, while Cain landed on the harbor, but the water got into his cyber legs and made them malfunction, and the last time anyone saw him he was sprinting down the coastline while trying to rip his own feet off. So you get to the docks and say 'hey' to the Beetles, who were sitting around on crates holding tire irons waiting for Paul McCartney to show up, and you're surprised to see Ringo there, like, 'I didn't know you died Ringo.' And he's like, 'Oh yeah.' Because apparently he was murdered and replaced by his own reflection of 1968 while playing a bloody marry type game on Halloween with Blue Lou. She managed to kill her doppelganger with ironing board and a curling iron, but the entire experience left her deeply disturbed, which is why she shouts all the time. And you get on the coach and after a 45 minute trip down the highway to hell, and the B197 to hell, and the roundabout to hell, and the A614 to hell, and then rainbow pudding lane for a bit because the dual carriageway's closed, you stop at the Meadow of Flaying because the imp needs a piss, and you're slightly bemused to see Bob getting his skin raked off with his dead grandmother's fingernails. And it turns out that a half hour after you sent him home, he got hit and killed by a bus, which would have been far less suspicious if it hadn't happened in his living room, but hey ho, you got a job to do. So back on the coach, we join the A614 to hell, and finally, you take the exit into Pandemonium. Now, you've not got to long to look around, because you've been warned to get yourselves gone before rush hour, when the lost souls come pouring out of their menial factory jobs to go and get shitfaced down in the pub, bump into the sergeants, and start a giant fucking shootout that nobody ever survives, so you decide to hit the high streets and see what demons do for fun. So you head into a clothes shop, 'Pri-Mark of the Beast', and you struggle to comprehend how any creature, either living or dead, could wear anything on the racks. You approach the capra demon assistant, clutching what appears to be a loose nail to a plesiosaur rectum, and a leather gimp mask for an octopus wizard, to get some insight. But it cannot speak without launching a pitiless barrage of electric death directly at your face. Your impressively swift reactions, perfected in your days of interviewing the paranoid schizophrenics of the Portuguese royal family, as heavily inbred as they were armed to the teeth, save you from an a paupers funeral, but your camera and sound man are not so lucky. You decide not to speak to anybody else and move across the street to a laundry mat, where a former marine is becoming increasing agitated, as he attempts to put his washing into a machine, unaware that he is feeding it to a mischievous specter, who alternates between spitting it back out or eating it. As you begin to wander a bit further down the road you begin to suspect a high unemployment among the specter community, as they seem only to hang around in gangs of 4 or 5 and inconvenience others by standing in front of shop doors, or inhabiting phone booths while snickering loudly. You round off the afternoon with a trip to a canteen that Satan himself recommended to you for some traditional lusiferian dining. And you are entirely unsurprised when the imp chef attempts to poison you, your survival solely down to a specter eating your chips behind your back and dropping dead while another attempted to distract you by urinating on your feet. Repulsed as you are with every fiber of living, breathing being at the shallow, hideous mockery of human existence, or perhaps instead at what it is destined to become, you are forced to print that it is better than fucking Sundolin. You're fired the next day by your editor, drink yourself into a deep depression, and attempt to shoot yourself in the field, but you drop the gun and blast yourself through the kneecap, alerting a pack of flesh eating weasels to your location, who chase you for a mile and a half before finally overcoming you, in an overgrown leybi, behind a kebab van. Your death is agonizing. The end! Well, that took up most of the level! Thanks you kindly sir! And we're leaving with maxed out health and armor, all the guns, and a shitload of ammo. I fucking thank you, lovelies!" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "The most infamous was the 1996 movie with Marlin Brando and Valkelma. Man, don't even know where to fucking begin trying to explain that one to you. If you ever make the terrible mistake of watching it, and find it to be an incoherent cat shovel of shit from the most purebred on nonsense beasts, I do urge you to look into the making of it, because it is a miracle that they even got the absurdity that they did out of it. A lot of it stemmed from hiring Valkelma, who was notoriously insane, and Marlin Brando, who was either also notoriously insane or had just reached that point in his career when peoples lives and jobs were little more than fragile toys to crush for his amusement. The studio fired the original director, Richard Stanley, after 4 days, at which point he apparently shredded every production document he could find, took a bunch of mushroom he found in the jungle, and spent the rest of the shoot lurking around in a dog costume. He was already in a particularly fragile mood anyways, seeing as a hurricane had hit the production. While they were trying to bring animals over on a boat, Stanley got pissed on by an agitated puma. Marlin Brando found an ice bucket on set and wore it as a hat and refused to take it off. Seriously. It's in the fucking movie! He's sitting there wearing an ice bucket on his damn head. Then he refused to wear any pants, so the new director, John Frankenheimer, was forced to only use shots that had him from the waist up. Then he befriended a midget he met and demanded that he starred in the film with him. So they got to give a bunch of other actors lines, who the midget would constantly try to physically attack like he was Brando's rabid pet chihuahua or something. Then they had to cancel an entire days worth of filming because Brando and Valkelma would start competitions over who could refuse to leave their trailer the longest. There's honestly so much more. I don't want to ruin another entire map going off on a mad tangent." -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "What is never seen but always heard? Invisible chainsaw man!" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Eat pulsating blue shit! If I'm gonna die then you better have a crowbar handy, because your going to have a hard time pulling my STONE COLD DEAD DICK, OUT OF YOUR ASS!" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Instead of demons, the monsters were genetic experiments that were created by adding an extra chromosome into a host. Which, ah, is actually how you incite down syndrome in babies, so maybe using it as a plot device to create drooling, ravenous machine gun fodder wasn't the kindest of ideas." 'laughs' "I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at the plight of the disabled, but, what fucking idiot came up with that? Really?" -The Fragnostic; The Ultimate Doom # "Oh dear, life seems pointless now. I'm just going to ruin the fucking newspaper in retaliation. Bye General Byng. If I can't be happy nobody can. There we go. My trash can looks like I decapitated a Dalek. Maybe I did. You don't want to get on the wrong side of me when I'm off my pills mate, I'll Cut Your FUCKING FACE OFF. Drug trials are a qualified success, not in my bloody office they're not." -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Why is there a hanging midget in my house?" -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Oh my God, Mia Humphreys! I haven't got any fucking stew! Alright? Look at me. I'm carrying around a pair of rotten mushrooms and a jimmy bar! And I have to find a way to make that into a meal that wont give me diarrhea explosive enough to crack my fucking ribs! That's how my evenings going. Alright? Kindly piss off. -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "You're not going to throw yourself off the bridge, are you Rodney? Because, you know, I need to get there, and I was thinking I could just follow you." -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "You know, people are always saying, 'Oh, Fraggers-.' Well, I mean, they don't call me Fraggers, that's not my actual name. My name's Rob. I haven't gotten to the point were I demand they call me by my internet name yet. 'Daddy I'm hungry.' 'AND YOU'LL EAT WHEN YOU CALL ME FRAGGERS, BOY! SAY IT! SAY MY TRUE NAME!' Hahaha! 5000! 5000 subscribers and I'll do it! 'Dr. Brown will see you now, Mr. Chapel.' 'THAT IS MY SLAVE NAME, YOU FUCKING RACIST!' Haha! And I'll just be standing at the front door waiting for the postman every morning, 'Who is that letter addressed to? Don't you dare put that filth through my letterbox! DON'T YOU DARE!' Haha! -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Eight quid! Fuck me, what a day! Now I just have find someplace that excepts money instead of unspeakable sexual favors, and we're on our way to the high life! Silk sheets! Venison pie! Tyranasaur skin sofas! Golden biscuits! Perrnies!" -The Fragnostic; We Happy Few # "Oh, the fighting's over, is it? Another action packed set piece skillfully sidestepped by the game." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "I swear to God, if I open that door and you're still calling me Rookie, I'm going to pistol-whip you until you think I'm your dad." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Oh, I'm clumsy am I? Because I'm the stupid bitch that locked herself in a room. Guarantee I'll come back this way and those rooftop sentries will be firing at me while baking the xenomorphs brownies." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # 'Crap, the elevators are down! I'll try to reroute the power.' "I'll bet she turns the music back on instead." 'music turns on' "Yeah, there we go. You stupid fuck." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Yeah, it was actually, it was a great party. And nobody invited you. You know why? Cause nobody likes you. And when you dance it looks like somebody electrocuted a gibbon. You dance like animal cruelty." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Did Tequila lock herself in another room? Or rerouted the power to some sort of killer fucking robot army? Can we just shoot her? Can we agree that her IQ is grounds for a mercy killing?" -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # 'This is Charlie Team. Which rear echelon motherfucker ordered us to retreat into a dead end?' "Her names Tequila. No, no, it's actually her name." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "You know, a little while ago I was complaining that the xenomorphs from the movie 'Aliens' were about a hundred times dumber than the ones from the first film. But I actually understand it now. The aliens take on some of their hosts physical characteristics, as displayed by the dog alien in 'Alien 3'. So with a colony of these dumb fucks to breed with, it's a wonder they're able to run in a straight line at all." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Heartless! Like a motherfucking jellyfish." -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "It was better when Arnie did it. 'I know now why you cry. You are pussy! John Connor is a fucking cry boy! ARRGAHY!" -The Fragnostic; Aliens vs Predators # "Dead birds and metal pieces? That's- that's the most disgusting collectable I've ever heard of. What the fuck! 'Agent Thomas, what is that smell? Have you been picking up dead birds again?' 'No, Chief.' 'Turn out your pockets. My God, man, they're everywhere. Jesus Christ almighty, that's- there in your pants as well, aren't they!?' 'Special bird.' 'Ah, get it out of my face!' 'Special bird for special Chief. Collectable bird.' 'Somebody help me, he's trying to stick it in my mouth!'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "It's more like an axe shaped hammer. You have to watch out for them in the old hardware store. It's one of my favorite games. You go in there and say, 'I need an axe shaped hammer.' And see how long it takes them to write you off as a legitimate imbecile. My record's three hours. 'No! For the last time, this is an axe. This is a hammer. I just want this, in the shape of this. How hard can it be to comprehend?' 'Do you- do you mean a pickax, sir?' 'Get me the CEO of this shit hole right now.'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "'Find Rosa.' Really!? I spent have the damn game on the phone to her, I can't just fucking call her to find out where she is?" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "What, can you only get a hold of her when you scan some disgusting DNA evidence in? Do I got to piss on a corpse whenever I want to chat? 'Damn it bitch, you want white bread or brown? Fuck.' 'Sir why are you masturbating into the donuts!?' 'crying' 'It's the only way she'll talk to me.'" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "Hahaha. Like he'd have a face left to scream with." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "Stay calm Rosa. I'm going to look for a book that teaches you how not to swing the sledge hammer like such a pussy." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "A ladder! I can use this to ram the gate open with. And fool my enemies into thinking I'm enormous. Then they can rescue Rosa for me. Hold on Rosa! Ah, stay still you possessed piece of shit! I- oh, sure, I guess I can use it to climb over the fence too." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "The only magic thing about Condemned is how it manages to keep moving WITH SO MANY FUCKING HOLES IN IT!" -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, this is maybe the hardest time I've ever had commentating a game, and at first I thought I was just losing my touch, or burned out, or whatever. But I've finally figured it out. It's because everywhere looks the fucking same, and nothing ever happens. Like, a lot of these stages are forty minutes long, but I'm chopping them down to ten in editing. Easily. Because nothing happens. And then wh-" 'floor falls out beneath him.' "Ahh, fuck meeee! Alright. You win this round, Condemned." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "I've got you now, you little shit. I've- woah, woah, hey, oh, fuck me, stop! Stop! Let's all just calm down here! Fucking Hell, calm down! The gun! The gun is mine! Stay calm! Stay calm! Everybody just SHUT UP! Shh! ShhShhhh! This is a library." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, credit to this game. When it began way back at that crime scene, I never thought that by the end of it I'd be having an old school duel with a topless demon ninja. It sure sprung that out of the fucking twilight zone at me." -The Fragnostic; Condemned: Criminal Origins # "You know, I'm always amazed by the pathing in these 2D platformers. Or 2.5D platformers, or whatever stupid name they've got now. Sidescrollers. Whatever. There's always a way through, isn't there? Take something like Streets of Rage. You start at one end of the city, walk in one continuous straight line through the streets, across the beach, onto a ship, through a factory, and then straight into Mr. X's lair. Axel and co. must feel like absolute gods just strolling down the road, not even having to take a corner." -The Fragnostic; Inside # "I'll let matey here climb the ladder, make out with his boyfriend. And while they're draining each others balls, I do believe I'll nick that boat. 'No words, Frank. Just get in the cabin.' 'Oh yes, of course my flower.' 'You can take me here.' 'Oh, well, yes, hold on, let me tug myself off a little bit first.' 'You never used to have to play with yourself.' 'God dammit, not this shit again!'" -The Fragnostic; Inside # "Once, there was a brave monkey, who loved to climb. He climbed to the top of every tree in the jungle. Even those home to the fierce leopard, the deadly snake, and the upsetting snake-leopard. Soon, the monkey had climbed to the top of every tree, and said to his friend he owl. 'Friend Owl, what am I to do now that there are no more trees to climb?' And the owl said. 'Monkey, have you not seen? Man has come to our jungle. They chop down our trees, they poison our earth. Soon, there truly will be no trees to climb.' And in that moment, Monkey realized the wisdom of Owl's words. 'I understand.' said Monkey. 'Man only takes our trees because he does not know the joys of climbing them! I shall show him! and then we shall-' 'No!' Owl interrupted. 'No Monkey. Shut the fuck up for a moment, and listen. Do not go anywhere near the man camp. Do you hear me?' But Monkey was already running towards the clamor and of the men, eager to show them the great joys of climbing trees. But Monkey did not know he raced towards an encampment of mentally disturbed American soldiers, for these were the jungles of Vietnam! Owl arrived on the scene quickly enough that concussive explosion of the land mine stunned him. He spiraled to the ground just in time to miss his skull being fractured by Monkey's flailing leg, still barely attached to lump lump of twitching torso. Hooting and shrieking, Owl drew more attention to himself than life could allow, and an American GI mistook him for a winged attack midget, and burned him alive with a flamethrower. The End!" -The Fragnostic; Inside # "I- I'm actually speechless. Somebody fucking a dead body, on screen, in a video game. I- I literally have no jokes to make here, I'm actually shocked. Fuck me, I didn't think it was possible." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "You remember Mario? You remember running along, one end to the other, collecting coins, jumping on enemies. You remember all that? You do a few levels, get to the castle, jump through the traps, and then- then you get to the end! You know, you get to the big bridge. And do you know what you'd see? Hmm? Do you remember what you'd see? Not Bowser fucking Princess Peach's dead body! Not that shit!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast # "Looks like another library where the rules were blatantly ignored. Can't imagine these people died quietly." -The Fragnostic; Outlast # 'Little pig!' "What the fuck. Who you calling a pig, Fatty!?" 'gets thrown through window' "No, fuck, I'm sorry! What are your comments on the Murkoff Corporatiooooooon!" -The Fragnostic; Outlast